Donna's Healthy Living Tips

Seventy-eight years ago today, Charles Edward Sink was born.  He was the first child and only son of Joseph and Geneva (Klarer) Sink.  Thirty-three years later he became Janet’s husband.  Forty years after his birth he became my dad.  Only a few weeks before his seventy-seventh birthday, he died.  He had said in the months leading up to his death that it would have been nice to live to eighty.  So here I sit, just a little over a year after his death, pondering how to celebrate his birthday.

A wise woman once told me that “birthdays are an opportunity to celebrate the uniqueness and specialness of that person.”  While I am grieving I find that birthdays feel emotionally mixed because I want to honor the person but I also feel the ache of missing their physical presence such that going through some of the same traditions may feel too painful.  Some other holidays may be even worse, depending on family traditions.

I picked up a book titled “Empty Chair” several years ago and found it to be very helpful as I grieved in the first couple years after Lee and Madison died.  The book is mainly about handling special occasions, times when you really notice the “empty chair” at the table.  I’ll share a couple key tips that I found most helpful.

• Follow your heart.  It is really important to be in touch with yourself and your own feelings so you can take care of yourself.  This is true of the big picture (for example, an extended holiday season as you plan ahead) and also the smaller picture, such as, “How am I feeling in this moment, what do I need to do to take care of me?”
• Make all of your plans flexible.  If you think being at home for a special day might be too much and you decide to accept an invitation to go to a friend’s home, let them know in advance that if it is too much for you will they have a problem if you leave.    If they will, accept a different invitation or make other plans.  Allow yourself to be flexible in each moment.  You may surprise yourself and feel better than you expected and thus be “up for more” but the reverse could also be true and you don’t want to put yourself under that kind of stress to keep a happy face on when that is the very last thing you are feeling.
• Don’t strand yourself.  Along the same lines as “make your plans flexible” you want to make sure you have the ability to leave when you want to.  So maybe don’t buy a non-refundable ticket to Jamaica for a holiday only to discover once you are there you can only imagine being at home.
• Make room for new traditions.  Many grieving people find great comfort in creating a new tradition or two that really honor the person who passsed.  It could be anything to setting aside some time to share memories or donating to that person’s favorite charity.  Be creative and think of what makes sense for you.
• Allow traditions to change from year to year.  The first few years of grieving all feel different, especially for a significant loss.  Just because you ate Thanksgiving Dinner at Aunt Nancy’s last year doesn’t mean you need to do the same this year.
• Try not to tie yourself to the role of host/hostess.  If you are hosting an event it is practically impossible to leave in the middle to take care of yourself.  Think twice before committing to any hosting, most especially a major event.  You may have already discovered as a grieving person that sometimes there is nothing more you want than being alone so try to work your plans so you can have that time if you want/need it on that day.

So today, on my dad’s seventy-eighth birthday, I am going to pick black raspberries (a special treat I used to bring him on his birthday for the last few years) and I am contemplating making a banana cream pie (his favorite birthday treat) but I haven’t decided on that yet.  We will have Mexican food for dinner with refried beans, corn tortillas, and spicy salsa, one of Dad’s favorite meals.  I purposely left my schedule flexible today (and yesterday too) so I can take time to myself and flow with the day.  Feel free to join me in honoring a man who touched so many lives in his family and local community.

Donna Copeland is an Independent Shaklee Distributor who lost her father to cancer in June 2008.  She has shared other grief tips on this blog as well as her specialties of gluten-free, green, and healthy living tips.  Thank you for sharing this journey with her.  For more information on Shaklee, go to: www.Shaklee.net/DonnaCopeland